The Lancer, Part 2

This is the kind of shit I FUCKING HATE. If it were a person, I'd have it run down with a combine. I do not understand why every damn thing is a yelling match. I know me. It took years for me to figure this out, but when I'm being yelled at, I escalate. It's who I am, so I try to minimize instances where I'm being yelled at. But this shit right here is likely to get me to move far far away once this pays off.

Situation: My cat put his paw in the door and my closed it. He wasn't injured, just scared. But I got yelled at because I didn't hear them initially yelling at me, since I had my headphones on. I'm doing my shit. In three hours, I've gotten 30 pages of editing done, and a full page knocked off. But we FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT because I didn't hear them. He knew that, because he saw me wearing them. Twice. But no, when I asked him to stop yelling, he yelled harder. Like a fucking child having a temper tantrum.

This is my current personal struggle. This family doesn't discuss. It screams and yells like fucking apes. They asked me for my help. I'm holding a scared animal with claws and teeth, and when asked kindly, they can't not scream. I'm told "fuck you" and "bite your fucking tongue." I have to fix this situation, but they won't not fuck up a thing they started more.

And my anger tends to turn inward, flare, and eventually turn into a little hate-star that radiates fury. I guess they call it a grudge, but I like hate-star better. I use that to write fight sequences. It sort of siphons it out. Writing a battle where thousands die is enough to sate my bloodlust most days. But I'm in editing. I have nothing to write. And no other projects on the back-burner. I have no way to vent this outside of this. And the anger is making my editing quality drop through the floor, because I'm not thinking straight.

This kind of shit is absolutely maddening. Why not just hold me down and shriek at me while I hold a freaked-out animal to my chest? Or better yet: just stab me at random for asinine reasons. "YOU'RE WEARING GREEN TODAY! GRAAWWWRRGGH!"

On Friday I get to market. On Friday I get to market. A mantra of calm and tranquility....